This post is a little different than previous posts. It is extremely personal to me but I feel like if I get my feelings out and send them off into the void I will be able to overcome them. So here goes. . .
My whole life I have been good at everything. In high school I was good at sports. In college I was a good student. Post college I was a good teacher, a good cook, a good photographer, a good wife. The problem with being good at so many things is that you are never GREAT at anything. A life of good=mediocrity. I see all these amazing people around me that are doing so many GREAT things. They are running their own businesses. Being amazing mothers. Creating wonderful clothing, or pictures, or crafts. They are busy with their lives living in Greatness.
Now my other problem is I tend to be hard on myself and compare myself a lot to others. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. So how do I overcome my good and lead a life of Great. I have so many interests and things I would love to do with my life I sometimes feel overwhelmed because I know if I try to do all of them all I will end up with is being good at something new.
It's like in volleyball. In my four years of high school volleyball and club volleyball I played outside hitter, setter, right side hitter, and defensive specialist. How is someone suppose to be Great at a position when they are shifted around life a chess piece in some many directions? I ended up being good and when they needed to fill a spot they put me in it. But I was never Great at any of the positions and when high school was over my volleyball career ended as well.
Now I'm not saying woe is me, poor girl is good at so many things. I am just trying to figure out how to be Great at something. ANYTHING! I would be satisfied with being Great at one thing and being good at everything else. Maybe I just need to pick one thing, focus on that, and go for it. But I am afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of trying something new, putting myself on the line, and ending up being just good.
A life of good isn't so bad, it is just frustrating and a little bit of a self-esteem breaker when you are never Great at anything. WHAT IS MY CALLING IN LIFE? I always thought it was to be a mother. Now I am a mother of two and my children are GREAT, but I am still just good. Maybe that is my calling still and I need to focus on being a mother, a Great mother. I don't know. . .and now it is time for bed so I will have to wait and see if Greatness really is in me somewhere.
5 comments:
Thanks for posting this and being so honest about your feelings. I think many moms go through this as I often compare myself to others and I am amazed at all they do while being a mother. I think you are GREAT and you are right where you are supposed to be in life but I also understand how you feel as I often feel the same way!!
Jess, I am pretty sure that everyone thinks that about everyone. See, in my eyes you ARE great! At everything I've witnessed you do. But you're a Mormon girl so you are too hard on yourself. In this culture everyone is good at everything but you. are. great.
I totally get this. Heck, I could have written it, except the comparing myself to others part. I don't really think I do that. But, I'm good at a lot of things but not great at any, and that's hard sometimes. I think (just through what I see here and on Facebook and at playgroup anyway) that you're a Great mother. I also kind of agree with what Marissa Anne said about you being a Mormon girl and therefore having higher expectations of yourself. I actually read an article about that recently, but I can't remember where.
Just do the best that you can do and take solace that it WAS your best. That's all any of us can do.
Jess! We for sure all have similar thoughts, but I just want you to know that my first thought as I started reading this is how truly AMAZING you are. You aren't just "good" at a lot of things, you are soo talented and GREAT and everything you do. I mean that very sincerely, and not just to make you feel better or whatever. You really are someone I look up to and admire. I love you! PS I can't believe lizzy is already 1! Time flies! Brinleys birthday is in less than 2 months. Where does the time go?
I totally get what you're saying, BUT - who decides what "great" is? I'm pretty sure that to the people closest to us, the people we let see our real lives we ARE great. The babies you rocked into the early morning hours, no one could have done that greater for them. And, if given the choice, they would have only wanted you. I think about the moments in my life when I've been scared or overwhelmed and I only want my husband. When someone could comfort or cheer me quite well, no one would be "greater" than him. I think "great" is less about comparative skill and more about being there.
BTW- you are the greatest walleyball player I get to play with.
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